One More Time With Feeling
by CherryJenn637
Summary: She had attempted to make herself presentable as she might have done years before but she couldn't find the strength to do much or to care, for that matter.


Effie stared at the needle sitting on the counter top. There were tiny droplets of blood on the white counter underneath the head of the needle. On the floor were an empty glass vial and a strip of rubber. The glass vial was labeled with a long medical description of its liquid contents but Effie knew the drug simply as morphling. Effie couldn't stand to look at the bathroom for much longer. The harder she inspected the porcelain surfaces, the more filth she discovered. There were spots of dry vomit on the toilet and the tile floor surrounding it. Wet towels were piled up next to the shower along with dirty clothes. In the trash bin next to the toilet were more glass vials like the one freshly strewn on the floor and, if Effie looked closer, there were needles poking up from the spaces between the glass bottles. Effie crinkled her nose and turned around so she wouldn't have to look at the mess anymore.

She left the wrecked bathroom and made her way to an even more trashed living room. There were empty bottles littering countless surfaces and even the floor as there was no more room on the other surfaces. Effie cleaned this house from top to bottom not two weeks ago and it was back to this condition. That's how it always was: Effie would clean until her hands were scrubbed raw themselves from the chemicals and her head was light from the fumes but before she blinked her watery eyes, the house was in shambles. Kicking empty bottles along the way, Effie made her way to the kitchen where plates of spoiled, uneaten food laid around. She suppressed a gag and her eyes welled up with tears at the thought of having to touch those dishes. Effie never had to wash her dishes by hand in the Capitol, much less scrape rotting food off of them. That was quite a long time ago, however. It had been five, six, seven, or maybe eight years ago. Effie lost track of time. Beneath the sink was a pair of rubber cleaning gloves that Effie retrieved. With the motivation that she could barely drudge up, Effie began to tackle the filth filling every room in the home.

Hours passed before the home's interior was to its original glory. Effie stood in the kitchen, soaking her hand in a bowl of warm water and gazing outside of the window. Katniss' young daughter is playing outside as the sun begins to sets. The child, no older than three, was picking flowers. A shadow of a smile played on Effie's lips. Effie would have had a child a bit older than Katniss'. Effie lost the baby quite far along into her pregnancy. She was far enough to have given it a name and begin preparations for it's imminent arrival. As unexpected and surprising as it was for Effie to have gotten pregnant in the first place, the pregnancy mentally restored Effie back to a place she hadn't been since before the war.

After her imprisonment, Effie never slept for fear of debilitating nightmares and she never found the energy for anything because she never slept. Not requiring many calories because she wasn't using up much energy, Effie never had an appetite to eat. By the time Effie showed up in District Twelve, she was virtually skeletal and her usual natural vibrancy was lackluster. Haymitch hardly recognized her when he opened his front door to find her standing on the other side. She had attempted to make herself presentable as she might have done years before but she couldn't find the strength to do much or to care, for that matter. Her stay was intended to be brief, in fact, it was only meant to last the day. However, sometime around dinner, Effie fainted and when she woke up, it was the following morning. Haymitch was sitting bedside and when questioned about his obvious lack of sleep, Haymitch informed Effie that she spent half the night screaming so he couldn't have slept if he wanted to. As it were, he didn't even try to sleep anyway; he sat bedside trying clumsily to comfort her whenever another nightmare started up. Effie was, in Haymitch's unprofessional opinion, still too weak to travel back to whatever life she was leading alone back in the Capitol so he insisted that she stay one more night until a doctor could come see her. That night, Haymitch found himself sitting next to her bed, holding her hand, pushing her sweaty bangs out of her face whilst comforting her through another nightmare. The following day, a local healer came to visit Effie at the request of Haymitch. The healer, too, said that Effie was not in any shape to travel all the way back to the Capitol and marveled at how she even managed to make the original trip to this district! At night, Haymitch found his familiar spot in the seat next to Effie's bed but when her screams grew to be too much for him to handle, he found himself inside her bed with her. He cradled her until her screams quieted to whimpers and eventually nothing.

Eventually, Haymitch found himself in her bed from the moment they would both decide to call it a night. Before long, his method of comforting her took an intimate turn. Almost every night, they'd wind up naked and intertwined before falling into a deep, harmless sleep. Sometimes they didn't, though. Sometimes they'd lay there silently willingly each other to be strong enough to make it through the night unafraid. Her nightmares subsided and his, in turn, became tolerable. They soon found themselves in a relationship without ever saying aloud what they were to each other. With this routine, it shouldn't have been such a surprise when Effie found herself carrying Haymitch's baby. Initially, she was disappointed in both of them that they could be so careless and stupid to bring a child into this world, having been through the Hell they've both respectively endured. With time, though, Effie grew accustomed to the idea. Haymitch was furious and drank himself into a stupor every night until he noticed a shift in Effie. She would leave the house to the center of town and come back with brighter clothes than she had been wearing. Her personality, her eyes, her skin, even her hair regained a vibrancy that he hadn't seen in her since before. He slowly stopped drinking as Effie slowly started growing. They decided on the name Aster, his mother's. They cleared out an entire room and began bringing in necessary furnishings for a nursery. Before they could finish the room, though, Effie went into labor. Aster, born two months too soon, was stillborn. The healer supplied Effie with some morphling to deal with the physical pain. Effie found the morphling also helped with the emotional pain, as well. With the help of Haymitch, Effie weaned herself off of the painkiller before the healer had even anticipated her doing so. Haymitch, knowing firsthand the effects of withdrawal, was there to rub her back and hold back her hair as she emptied the contents of her stomach regularly. She found it so tempting to finish off the plentiful supply of morphling still in her possession but Haymitch provided her with the strength to follow through with her promise to stop taking the drug.

Miraculously, Effie eventually had the strength to suggest to Haymitch that they try again. Haymitch was reluctant but he was willing to do anything to keep Effie from reverting back to the horrible state she was when she arrived on his doorstep all those months ago. Effie soon found herself pregnant a second time. Haymitch noted that she was almost artificially happy this time. That she was forcing herself to recreate her behaviors and emotions she experienced through her last pregnancy. Before she even lost this baby, Effie had already begun slipping. He regretted agreeing to this idea four months into her pregnancy. By the fifth month, Effie went into labor, again, too soon. Another girl, Allium. This time, the healer informed them that Effie's body just wasn't suited to carrying babies to term and that the probability of them ever having a healthy baby was slim to none. Again, the healer supplied Effie with more morphling. She didn't bother weaning herself off of it this time. Instead, Effie found a steady supplier of morphling to constantly replenish her stash when she'd finish what she had already.

A strong hand on Effie's shoulder drags her back to the present in a flash. The water Effie had been soaking her hands in was now lukewarm. Effie let out a surprised yelp and she knocked the bowl of water onto the floor.

"Shit, I'm sorry, darlin'. Didn't mean to scare ya," Haymitch suddenly said as he backed away from her. "You were just staring at nothing for so long, I wanted to make sure you were still awake."

Effie quickly cleaned up the mess left by the spilled bowl of water and offered a sheepish smile to Haymitch. She kissed him chastely on the lips and began to leave the room as Haymitch asked what there was to eat for dinner. Effie let out a bitter bark of a laugh at the thought of him asking for food. With the return of his drinking habit in full force and the addition of her new morphling addiction, they didn't eat much these days. She heard the clanging of a bottle being pulled from a cabinet as she made her way upstairs to the newly cleaned bathroom. She thought to herself of what a shame it was going to be to dirty the shiny surfaces. Effie briefly looked at herself in the mirror above the sink. She couldn't allow herself to look at her reflection for more than a split second before she bent down beneath the sink and retrieved a fresh needle, two new vials of morphling and a large band of rubber.

Effie came to with a loud banging in her ears. She realized it was coming from the door. Her name was being called out repeatedly in between the banging. She realized seven vials surrounded her. There were five more than the original two she had grabbed.

"Oh I've done it this time," Effie thought unhappily to herself immediately before blacking out again.

Effie awoke again with a loud crash and she feebly tipped over in an attempt to shield herself from shards of wood coming from the broken bathroom door, as it slammed open. Haymitch threw himself down on the floor next to her and pulled her into his arms.

"Fuck, your skin is so cold. What the fuck is wrong with you, Effie," Haymitch said upon making contact with Effie. He noticed her arm. Her usual site of injection was bruised, yellow-tinged and blood was pouring out of it still as she hadn't taken off the tight band for who knows how long. He uttered more obscenities.

Effie blacked out again.

Suddenly, her skin felt like it was being stabbed with hundreds of needles. Effie gasped as she regained consciousness. She was under the shower as icy water poured down on top of her. Haymitch was holding her up in a seated position. She realized that she had vomit running down the front of her shirt. Effie wondered how she found herself in this place. In Haymitch's arms, covered in vomit, in District Twelve, addicted to morphling and constantly being pulled back from the brink of death. Effie began sobbing at how pathetic she found herself. She wondered how Haymitch could put up with the despicable excuse for a human being she was.

"I'm sorry," Effie choked out. "I'm so sorry."

Haymitch shushed her and pushed her hair out of her face as she began to vomit some more. He rocked her back and forth as she cried. Hours later, Haymitch held Effie as they laid in bed and fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning, Haymitch found Effie in the bathroom furiously cleaning it from top to bottom. He said nothing to her. He didn't scold her or shame her. Haymitch didn't even tell Effie that she needed to get help for her addiction. There was Effie's silent promise hanging in the air that she would quit the morphling but, then again, that promise was _always_ there, unfulfilled. Haymitch didn't speak one word to her as he leaned in to her and gently kissed her on her temple before he left her alone to finish scrubbing the porcelain surfaces.


End file.
